An Extraordinary Moment of Ordinariness

Just came in from dropping Zeke off at the radio station where he co-hosts a weekly show. It is warm tonight. A comfortable warm which makes me crave iced tea & star watching. This is a well deserved reprieve from the energy depleting heat of the day. The desert will bake in triple digit heat any day now... it is a fight to stay productive.

I traced my way back home from the radio station through darkened streets. (There are very few street lights in Tucson which is great regarding light pollution/but frustrating when you are trying to read street signs!)

The familiarity of 19th street-a stretch of road that leads me home; its deserted industial feel made a bit softer by the warm, ill-lighted stillness of the night.

Warehouses, watchdogs, train tracks, stray cats and discarded wooden pallets...

I could hear a train whistle unnervingly close by and just as I approached the tracks the crossing gate came down in front of me. I have a very vivid imagination and therefore rolled up the windows and secured the locks before settling back to watch the cars pass before me one by one by one in the dark.

I love the sound of trains in the distance but there is something exciting and unsettling about being close to one as it rattles past. Creaking and screeching metal-a creature from the past-each car marked with time and concealing not only cargo but also so many stories.

The graffiti covered cars passed like a film before me in the red flashing light and clanging of warning bells. After a few minutes a huge beast of a vehicle pulled up behind me and kept its headlights blasting into the cab of my little truck. Disturbed by the invading high beam brightness; I flipped my rear view mirror up and caught sight of a fireworks display going on right behind me; a carnival of rosettes exploding in sulphurous bouquets in the night sky.

Train, bells, lights & fireworks in the mirror...very strange indeed! An exquisite moment when elements of ordinariness converge to become delightful...memorable.

My Mother

Hi Mom... I feel such a profound need to reach out to you. I was hanging the laundry out to dry and I could hear Mariachi music & laughter nearby.

It's mother's day & I miss you.

I wonder, can you hear & see me? Are you among your angels? Did you find Atlantis? Did the currents of the Pacific Ocean carry your ashes to beautiful beaches far away? I still see roses floating on the deep grey waters of the San Francisco Bay. I've tried to remain positive & productive for the last 17 years but the truth of it is-I often feel lost and alone. I don't feel completely whole as a person without you in my life. I try not to feel resentment and envy towards those who have their mothers in their lives... but it is difficult sometimes. So many successes & failures I wish you were there for. So many discoveries & adventures I wish I could have shared with you. (You would have loved Oaxaca, Etsy, Tucson...) I've moved on from the life we lived together but something deep within me has never healed. There is an emptiness which I can't seem to fill... there is no substitution for you. What an incredibly deep bond we shared. We were tethered-for better or worse- and it has taken me a very long time to process the resentment I felt toward you for leaving me.

You have given to me valuable tools-CREATIVITY & BELIEF. You touched many in your life but doubted yourself so greatly.

I have also inherited from you a proclivity towards depression & self doubt. Familial cycles-Great Grandmother-Grandmother-Mother-Daughter? I told myself many years ago, when I was artistically exploring this passing of depression from one generation to the next, that the cycle would stop with me but it catches me by the heels sometimes. It was painful to watch you struggle with the harnessing and the bringing to fruition your great creative talent-I find myself following in your footsteps. I'll keep picking myself up and pushing myself along-this I promise.

It is selfish of me to wish you back-I have no idea what passing over really is/means. The process is a complete mystery to me.

I held your hand & coached you through your last physical breath on this plane of existence but, that was as far as we could travel together.

It's time to release the built up steam and take a fresh step forward. Time after time the pain forms within my heart like ice crystals and I have to remember to melt it away with the warmth of the memories that we made together.

From Dove to Self Discovery

For the last few days I have felt really aimless. The afternoons have been warm & sticky and filled with dust. (85 degrees is too hot for April!) The front door blew open yesterday and I found myself in a whirlwind of adobe dust & cat hair. I closed my eyes & mouth against the blast and secured the door. Carnage. The lint & debris of everyday life swirled up from crevices to be deposited again on the hard wood floors in grey tufts. So much to do... so much to clean... the dread of even hotter days to come. The house needs to be cleaned top to bottom. The kind of cleaning which requires a great deal of kneeling, scrubbing, lifting-the kind of cleaning which involves Q-tips! Phooey! Waiting for the cool of the evening to begin the process.

Made a trip to our wonderful neighborhood indoor farmer's/asian market to pick up a few broccoli crowns and came home to find a dove resting with its mate in the prickly pear tree at the end of the driveway. I was struck by how perfectly it was balancing on the top of a cactus pad. Nestled down; its downy belly pressed against the thin prickly edge of the pad. Doves are quite mysterious. It was perched like that for quite awhile so I decided to try to photograph the event. Anyone who has ever tried to photograph a dove at close proximity will understand just how sensitive an endeavor this is. By the time I had focused the camera it had arisen and was preparing to flutter off in a nervous fuss. I apologized profusely.

There I was out behind the house with a camera in my hands. Snapped a quick picture of the prickly pear tree; thinking I'd use it to illustrate my thoughts regarding the balancing dove.

A wonderfully familiar yet neglected feeling of creative introspection began to sweep over me. There was nothing new about the pictures I was taking. What hit me was that I was seeing; I was taking the time to admire the phenomena of new growth, budding, flowering. I pull in and out of the driveway several times every day and I hadn't noticed this happening. Too many distractions (excuses) Long day at work-can't wait to get my shoes off... need to get cat food-do I have enough gas to get to the store?!!? Etc.

I began to SEE the yard in a more thoughtful way. I'd forgotten that there is an old trunk, left to be taken by the elements, out in the common area behind the back yard. I bet it has a story to tell-didn't give in to my curiosity to see what was inside-just admired its weathered surface.

Took a closer look at my old 1920's typewriter; left to rust in my small enclosed back yard-sturdy, heavy and filling with leaves. Hmm... to type on leaves...

I love the beauty of weathered things but seeing the trunk & typewriter touched a more cerebral nerve within me. Seeing these things in such an unused state brought on a mid afternoon exercise in self analysis. I was reminded that life continues around a thing that is in a state of inactivity. The typewriter no longer clicks with the ideas of the writer. Instead, weeds wind through, bloom, seed then wither-spiders spin, shed then move on-leaves curl then begin to decompose. MADE ME THINK-hit a nerve. NEED to CREATE & ENGAGE. It is as simple as that.

On Gypsy Curses & Grilled Mangos

Nothing more wonderful than having a completely new experience with something familiar. I've long thought that one can live on the same short block and still not have seen & experienced all that it has to offer in the course of an entire lifetime.

I revel in life's smaller pleasures-Just discovered Grilled Mangos with Raspberry Coulis at a local deli counter. These are the perfect marriage of fruit & fire...(mangos, lime juice, brown sugar & raspberries.) The pyromaniac in me has always approved of the charring, smoking and grilling of various vegetables & fruits but I somehow failed to consider the mango as a candidate for the grill! I love the smokey tartness on such a hot day-we have somehow skipped spring here in Tucson. While much of the country is digging out of the snow-we are at the mercy of the sun once again here in the desert.

Over the past few weeks I feel as though I have somersaulted several times and have come up in a completely different place in my life. Everything is familiar but slightly changed...

Have felt as though I am under the spell of an ancient gypsy curse this past week. Feel like a big bubble of inauspiciousness popped on my birthday. it has released it's greasy air in a vaporous cloud which clings to me. I blow it away and it's reappears around me. Have a cold that will not go, a flat tire, & check card fraud. It rained a cold drenching muddy torrent on my birthday-which I normally welcome (especially here in the desert!) but on this particular day I REALLY wanted to pitter around in the garden... very strange indeed as both the day before & the day after were lovely and spring like! Today I witnessed a rear end car crash right in front of me and when the system crashed at the post office while I was being assisted I felt oddly responsible! Almost funny but not quite; must find a four leafed clover...

Despite all of this I feel at peace!

As well as reconnecting with family members in California (which was LONG overdue!!!) I have also experienced the joy of connecting with my beautiful family in Zambia, Amsterdam & Boston. Can't even begin to express the pure excitement I'm experiencing in getting to know my beautiful step mother, 6 stepsisters & 2 stepbrothers. Life is something else! I feel completely giddy! I am learning to speak Bemba!

Life is beautiful, gypsy curse & all...

Inspiration!

Kate MacDowell

Kate MccGwire

Cal Lane

Love these works! Inspires me to pick up where I've left off with my own Installation Projects!