My Mother

Hi Mom... I feel such a profound need to reach out to you. I was hanging the laundry out to dry and I could hear Mariachi music & laughter nearby.

It's mother's day & I miss you.

I wonder, can you hear & see me? Are you among your angels? Did you find Atlantis? Did the currents of the Pacific Ocean carry your ashes to beautiful beaches far away? I still see roses floating on the deep grey waters of the San Francisco Bay. I've tried to remain positive & productive for the last 17 years but the truth of it is-I often feel lost and alone. I don't feel completely whole as a person without you in my life. I try not to feel resentment and envy towards those who have their mothers in their lives... but it is difficult sometimes. So many successes & failures I wish you were there for. So many discoveries & adventures I wish I could have shared with you. (You would have loved Oaxaca, Etsy, Tucson...) I've moved on from the life we lived together but something deep within me has never healed. There is an emptiness which I can't seem to fill... there is no substitution for you. What an incredibly deep bond we shared. We were tethered-for better or worse- and it has taken me a very long time to process the resentment I felt toward you for leaving me.

You have given to me valuable tools-CREATIVITY & BELIEF. You touched many in your life but doubted yourself so greatly.

I have also inherited from you a proclivity towards depression & self doubt. Familial cycles-Great Grandmother-Grandmother-Mother-Daughter? I told myself many years ago, when I was artistically exploring this passing of depression from one generation to the next, that the cycle would stop with me but it catches me by the heels sometimes. It was painful to watch you struggle with the harnessing and the bringing to fruition your great creative talent-I find myself following in your footsteps. I'll keep picking myself up and pushing myself along-this I promise.

It is selfish of me to wish you back-I have no idea what passing over really is/means. The process is a complete mystery to me.

I held your hand & coached you through your last physical breath on this plane of existence but, that was as far as we could travel together.

It's time to release the built up steam and take a fresh step forward. Time after time the pain forms within my heart like ice crystals and I have to remember to melt it away with the warmth of the memories that we made together.